therapeutic fridays: those awkward coversations

I'm a little bummed out today, which seems to heavily contrast to all the cheery entries I have to catch up on. A week off from school was desperately needed, but it turned into mixing up the days of the week, to the point where I thought I had two Wednesdays. And I burned my mouth so badly on Monday from incredibly hot coffee that I haven't drunk it since (I know, boo-hoo, I'll live, right?). I don't want to spend this entry complaining because I know I don't have it that bad. 

Instead, I wanted to focus on something that I'm sure everyone goes through at least once in their lifetime: having an uncomfortable conversation. The inspiration came from Kym, who unfortunately is going through one of those situations where an uncomfortable conversation might be necessary. It's a pain in the tush, and most of the times, we don't want to do it. 

Just last week, I dwelled on the future slipping out of my hands ... and it's because I had an uncomfortable conversation, and pretty much failed it. I have to prove to a teacher's college that what I've been studying in uni relates to computer studies, but when I asked the very unfriendly lady on the phone for help and asked multiple questions, she replied with the same things, "Well, if you take a look at our website you can see ..." (yes, I am looking at your website right now and it's not helping me) and things like "If you get a letter from your computer studies department..." (I've already told you, there is no computer studies department). Instead of being polite but assertive, I just admitted defeat, hung up the phone, and bawled for twenty minutes. Pointless, huh?

So now, let's focus on those things that will make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Whether it's personal, business, or needing-to-get-something-from-someone-and-you've-been-waiting-a-while-and-you-want-to-remind-them-without-sounding-like-you're-nagging, hopefully this will help!

1) WRITE IT OUT. 

Find a time where you're not thinking about the topic at hand emotionally but critically. Then write out what you want to say to this person. My sister always gave me this advice when it came to talking to people I didn't necessarily want to talk to: writing it out gets your thoughts in order, and it's a good reference for when you're actually talking to the person.

Just last week my friend had to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone, and wrote out a page of what she wanted to say. And writing it in an notepad like the one on the left might put a little fun into it?

2) FIND A FOCUS.

You don't want to just yell at the person -- you want to pinpoint how you can change what's going on. If you're waiting for something from someone, perhaps say, "I understand we all have busy schedules in our lives, but I was counting on having this by (insert date here) and would greatly appreciate it if you could get that to me." You might not phrase it that exact way, but the key is not to spew fire out at the person. You want to get your point across in a way that will make positive changes happen.

3) PICK A METHOD.

Try to pick a method that works best for both of you when having this conversation. If you're going to talk over the phone, make sure it's during a time where you're not rushed and have time to discuss everything.

If you have to meet in person, try to pick a place you both know, so you don't feel out of your element. Don't be afraid to bust out the notepad (even if it's on your lap), because it shows you're prepared and it's a good thing to reference to make sure you discuss everything.

Another method is definitely e-mail, and sometimes that's the only route you can go. On the down side, you don't really know when that person will respond and it  can make the conversation one-sided, but on the plus side, both parties get to reflect on what has been said and hopefully go for a good solution. Just be clear on what you're saying -- so try to avoid tons of sarcasm. 

4) DON'T BE AFRAID.

You know this conversation needs to happen. Think about why -- is it holding you back in your business/school, is it affecting your relationship with someone, etc -- and then, don't be afraid to bring it up. Chances are, either a) the other person feels some sort of tension and knows that something needs to change or b) the other person is totally unaware and therefore nothing will change unless you bring it up. If you're having second thoughts about making this conversation happen, just think what's the payoff for not having this conversation.

For the teacher's college situation (I will never think of this word the same way thanks to Jersey Shore), I eventually wrote out a 2-page statement clarifing my academic and field experience, and am crossing my fingers that it's enough. I could have given up right after that phone call, but sometimes you have to prove to them that you have what it takes to do what you want to do. Think You've Got Mail, or She's The Man. 

5) GET 'ER DONE ... AND REWARD YOURSELF.

While having this conversation, think resolve not create more tension. Think get it all out without patronizing the person. Think what can we do to change this? and not say it's all your fault (even if it is). And after getting through this conversation, reward yourself with something. Hopefully your confidence will already be boosted by having the courage to make this conversation happen.

I hope this has helped in some way, though I'm sure I've left something out. So I ask you:

Have you ever dealt with an uncomfortable conversation?

And what did you do to make it better?

I'll be answering the Ask Nikolett questions next week in case there's anymore (and I'll actually post it on a Thursday instead of being a total fail like this week, hehe). So ask away and have an amazing weekend!